


Worst Meal Ever

by IllegalCerebral



Series: CM Bingo 2020 [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: CM Bingo 2020, Crack, Family Dinners, Fix-It, Food Poisoning, Hangover, Memory Loss, Team as Family, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:08:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22187596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllegalCerebral/pseuds/IllegalCerebral
Summary: “Will,” JJ’s voice trembled, “this is not our bathroom.”“No it’s not”“One of my shoes is missing.”“It is.” Will stood and filled a glass of water from the sink. JJ took it and drained it in one go, rivulets of water spilling over her chin.“I’m wearing Spencer’s clothes.”“You are.”“You’re wearing Spencer’s clothes.”“I am and honestly thank goodness.”Another season 14 finale fix it fic where a team dinner goes horribly and they spend the next morning piecing together what went wrong.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & The BAU Team, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr.
Series: CM Bingo 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597159
Comments: 28
Kudos: 118





	Worst Meal Ever

**Author's Note:**

> **I only post my work to AO3 and tumblr. If you find this story posted on other platforms it has been stolen and reposted without my permission**

This must be what death felt like. There was an intense pressure behind JJ’s eyes and a throbbing in her skull like someone was drilling. In contrast her limbs felt like jelly and she couldn’t swallow because her mouth and throat was so dry.

They’d lost everything: their careers, their lives, their loved ones, their hope. Nothing made sense anymore. She just wanted to open her eyes by JJ was afraid, so afraid. Would there be a comforting white light or just more darkness?

_Drip, drip, drip_

Well that was annoying. Without opening her eyes JJ brushed away the water that was dribbling down her face. Where had that come from anyway?

“Babe you awake?” Will. Her Will. The centre of her world, father of her children, her soul mate, her-

Wait a sec.

“Babe,” JJ’s voice was raspy, her throat constricting, “babe am I dying?”

Her heart sank at the sound of Will suppressing a chuckle.

“No Jennifer you are not dying.” Oh fantastic, he only used her full name on two occasions. One was when he was wine tipsy and compelled to be all lovey-dovey. Usually there was singing too, like on their last anniversary when he’d sung “I don’t want to miss a thing” in the living room at the top of his lungs.

The other occasion was when she had done something so ridiculously and utterly stupid and was usually done out of kindness and a sort of over exaggerated respect so that she wouldn’t feel bad. That was rarer and the last time had been a particularly raucous girls’ night when she’d lost her keys, broken into their house and threatened to call the cops on Will when he’d fallen off the sofa in shock.

Given her pounding headache JJ was pretty sure this was the second type of “Jennifer”.

“Am I gonna wish I was dead?” JJ whimpered.

“Oh darlin’ no. Not at all.” The tone of Will’s voice, the laughter he couldn’t restrain, told her that wasn’t true.

_Drip, drip, drip._

With superhuman effort JJ opened her eyes and for a moment she thought will was lying and she actually was dead because all she could see was gleaming white. A blurry, Will-like shape hovered over her and it took some vigorous eye-rubbing to bring the room into focus.

The water was from the shower hanging above the bath that she was currently folded into, one leg practically over her head. As she registered more and more of the details of her surroundings and even worse, herself, a wave of panic slowly rose over her.

“Will,” JJ’s voice trembled, “this is not our bathroom.”

“No it’s not”

“One of my shoes is missing.”

“It is.” Will stood and filled a glass of water from the sink. JJ took it and drained it in one go, rivulets of water spilling over her chin.

“I’m wearing Spencer’s clothes.”

“You are.”

“ _You’re_ wearing Spencer’s clothes.”

“I am and honestly thank goodness.”

There was way too much to unpack right now and in addition to panic, nausea and giddiness were making an appearance. Will’s eyes widened and he lurched forward to tug JJ out of the bath.

“Babe try and be sick in the toilet, Spencer doesn’t have any more spare clothes in his go bag and I think Rossi might take exception to us rifling through his wardrobe. JJ opened her mouth to protest. Big mistake. Thankfully she made it across the room (how big was this bathroom anyway?) to the toilet in time.

“What happened?” JJ asked weakly once she’d finished throwing up, “why are we in Rossi’s house?”

Before Will could answer there was soft knocking on the door and Krystall tentatively popped her head in. The expression on her face was so motherly JJ wanted to cry.

Oh, she actually was crying.

“Hey honey, I heard movement. You doing okay?”

“I feel like I’m being punished for something,” JJ wailed.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Will helped her shakily to her feet. JJ frowned. The previous night was a complete haze, images jumbled and clashed in her mind. There was a restaurant…case?

_A confession._

“She looks very pale,” Krystall said, “I’m fixing something for the rest of the team. Hopefully it will straighten you out.”

“Will, I think…I think I’ve done something,” JJ whispered as they followed Krystall into an equally opulent hallway. The expression on Will’s face was completely unreadable. She had done something terrible. JJ’s lips started to trembled again.

“Let’s get some food in you and then we can talk,” Will said gently, “there’s nothing that can’t be fixed with a good breakfast.”

If JJ hoped seeing the rest of her team would shed some light on the situation then she was sorely disappointed and even more confused than before. She and Will weren’t the only ones rocking Spencer Reid chic but the man himself was wrapped up in a fluffy bathrobe and crouched miserably in an arm chair. Face buried in his hands.

“Hey Spence you okay?” she asked timidly.

“Don’t talk to him he’s dead to us,” Rossi half snarled from the sofa. His eyes were screwed shut and Garcia was curled up next to him, a damp cloth on her face. She nodded in agreement.

“Wasn’t my fault,” Spencer moaned, “Rossi suggested we go out. Blame him.”

“Who suggests a random restaurant without know what they serve?” Rossi opened one eye for the express purpose at glaring at him.

“In Reid’s defence-“ the pile of blankets next to Garcia mumbled in Luke’s voice.

“Traitor”

“In Reid’s defence I looked at the Yelp reviews and they were all positive” Luke pushed his way out of the blankets, hair sticking up on all directions.

“Clearly that was bullshit!” Emily yelled. JJ looked around, then immediately regretted moving her head to fast. Will guided JJ to another free chair, squeezing her arm before heading off to help Krystall in the kitchen. It was then JJ noticed Emily lying on her back on floor behind a coffee table, Tara lying next to her.

“What the-“

“If we sit up the room starts spinning and we throw up” Tara mumbled, “Spencer has no spare clothes to share with us any more.”

“And our clothes?” JJ asked.

“Will put them in the washer,” Spencer mumbled, face still buried, “he’s so nice. He didn’t mind you saying you loved me all night at all.”

“Those are some husband goals right there. Am I right people?” Garcia said. All she got in response was grunts.

So that had been true, JJ had told Spencer she loved him but it was complicated. How could she have done that? It wasn’t even true. She loved him of course but like a brother.

“No JJ don’t cry again,” Emily said weakly, “It’s fine, it’s totally fine. We all love Spencer.”

“I don’t, “ said Rossi.

“You will when this thing passes.”

“So we went out for dinner,” JJ sniffed, “I remember getting to the restaurant…were we poisoned?”

“We all had different things,” Matt said. JJ hadn’t seen him sitting in the window seat. She definitely hadn’t seen the pot plant he was cradling either, “but didn’t we all try that weird soup Garcia ordered?”

“It was kale”

“That explains it.” Rossi stood up, swaying slightly. “Reid you’re forgiven, Garcia you’re dead to me.”

“Now hold on,” Emily said, “Spencer don’t cheer. Clearly something was wrong with the soup, that’s not Garcia’s fault and it’s not Spencer for choosing the restaurant.”

“Okay so that explains the hangover from hell, sort of, why are we wearing Spencer’s clothes? And why did I tell him I love him? And why is Matt cradling a plant like a baby.”

“His name is Matt Jr I think,” said Garcia before withering a little under JJ’s frown.

“I think the soup had hallucinogenic properties,” said Spencer.

“Well fucking thank you Sherlock for stating the fucking obvious,” Rossi groaned.

“Ignore him,” Krystall came back in with a tray of dry toast and a bowl of chopped fruit, “he’s just mad that Luke bought an ice cream and didn’t give him any.”

“I did? I don’t remember that.”

“You raided the freezer for clues” laughed Krystall.

“I’m so sorry,” Luke said, “what else did I do last night?”

“I got some of it on video.” That made everyone stop and sit up, except Tara and Emily who still couldn’t move but whose eyes were huge.

“You filmed us tripping balls?” Garcia’s voice was thick with betrayal.

“We could just explain it to you if that would soften the blow.” Will set down a tray with crackers and water before sitting on the arm of JJ’s chair.

“We got back here okay right?” frowned JJ, taking a cracker “and I remember calling you to pick me up and then we played cards and I won and Spencer got pissed because he still hasn’t worked out my tell.”

“Okay that did not happen.” It was Spencer’s turn to try and stand up but his legs wouldn’t obey him. He looked kind of like a baby deer trying to take its first step and he fell back into the chair with a thump. “I’m sorry there’s no way JJ could beat me at cards. I do remember Tara calling Luke Daddy though-“

“That’s a damn lie Reid, shut your mouth. I remember a case. Did we get called in on a case?” Tara frowned. Krystall stifled a laugh.

“No there wasn’t a case!” Spencer said, “You definitely called Luke Daddy. Or Luke called you Daddy? I’m confused.”

“No there was!” Tara propped herself up on her elbows, “There was a guy making people play truth or dare and getting people to commit crimes and shit.”

“Yeah that was the soup sweetheart,” said Krystall, “Didn’t stop you bombing around the house trying to find him though.”

“Oh god.”

Tara flopped back down, elbowing a giggling Emily. JJ remembered that vaguely. She also remembered Garcia yelling that they should all reveal their deepest darkest secrets. By her reddening face Garcia remembered too.

“I turned up while you were about halfway through the case,” said Will, “You were yelling that you only trusted three people in the world: Megan Rapinoe, Big Bird and me. I’m honoured by the way.”

“Why would an unsub be making people play truth or dare? That’s so stupid!” wailed Rossi.

“To be fair we had that guy a few years back who pretended to be a wolf,” said Matt, “that was also pretty stupid.”

“So stupid.”

“Amazingly stupid.”

“Guys be respectful people died,” said Emily, “What happened after you turned up Will?”

“They started making out, it was gross”

“Garcia we did not.” JJ looked at Will for confirmation and was rewarded with a sheepish look. “Oh God.”

“It was too messy to be called making out,” Will leaned back slightly, “You sort of…stuck to me with your mouth and kept telling me you loved me. It was sweet. Honest it was!” he added seeing her sceptical look. “Until you vomited over both of us.”

“Is that why you’re wearing my clothes?” Spencer asked.

“Yeah your go bag was in your car so we both changed into these.”

“How does that explain the rest of us?” Matt asked.

“The smell was-“ Krystall waved her hands in the air, “I can’t even begin to describe it but it set the rest of you off so everyone got cleaned up and raided Spencer’s wardrobe.”

“So why is the traitor in my robe?” Rossi demanded.

“Yeah it was kind of difficult to get him to put on clothes but he finally relented when I said he could wear that,” said Krystal. Spencer looked like he was going to pass out; all the colour had drained from his face.

“I…what?”

“It was only me and Garcia who saw and I’m a happily engaged woman.” If Krystall was trying to be soothing it wasn’t working. There was a glazed look of horror on his face.

“Clearly my mind repressed the horror of it all,” said Garcia, “I do not remember that at all.”

“You gave him 9/10 and then demanded to see everyone else naked to compare,” said Krystall, “I put you to bed at that point.”

“9/10 really?” Emily sat up and then immediately regretted it. All eyes were on Spencer now who was still starting into space in shock.

“None of this explains why JJ told Reid she loved him and then wigged out the rest of the evening,” said Tara, “and what’s the deal with the potted plant?”

“Matt Jr.”

“Garcia stop calling it that.”

“Matt became convinced Kristy was pregnant again and started carrying the plant round like a baby,” said Will, “JJ and I changed in the bathroom and she fell asleep halfway through and when she woke up she got confused over the costume change.”

“What? Are you telling me I was so high that I didn’t recognise my own husband?” JJ looked at Will in shock. All pretence was gone now and he had started to shake with laughter. “Don’t laugh that’s horrifying!”

“I know, I know I’m sorry. It’s not…it’s not funny at all.”

“Then why are you laughing you dick?”

“You thought you’d cheated on me because I was wearing a different shirt. Hey, most couples can’t laugh about this stuff!”

“I was so upset, I thought I’d ruined my marriage and the most important friendship in my life!”

“I thought our friendship was the most important in your life?” Garcia narrowed her eyes.

“Oh this awkward” Tara threw her arm over her face, “would hair of the dog be a good idea now?”

“Absolutely not,” said Krystall, “nothing but water. Later you can try some juice if it won’t make you guys throw up everywhere again.”

“I think I’d rather just lay down and die,” croaked Spencer.

“I’m suing that restaurant,” growled Rossi.

“No need. A buddy of mine from the precinct said that you weren’t the only ones drugged last night. They raided the place and found that two disgruntled workers spiked the soup. They spent the night in holding.”

“I envy them right now,” said Emily, “I am never eating out again.”

“Then you’ll starve. I know how you cook, if you can call it that,” snorted Rossi.

The entire group dissolved into bickering. JJ took a moment to slip away into the garden. The fresh air offered some relief from the grogginess.

“Hey,” Will came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. She snuggled into him in response. “It honestly wasn’t that bad and when the hangover wears off you’ll be able to look back on it and laugh.”

“Thinking I declared my undying love to Reid? No that’s not funny. Even the idea of hurting you or him like that turns my stomach,” JJ sighed.

“I know. You care about people so strongly.” Will pressed a kiss to her temple and some of the anxiety and embarrassment eased away. “But it was all a soup-induced hallucination and we’re okay and Reid’s okay.”

“I think he’s kind of traumatised by Garcia seeing him naked.”

“9/10 is a good score, he should be proud.”

“I hate you both and Krystall is making coffee,” Spencer called, making them both jump.

“Is that a good idea right now?” asked Will.

“I don’t care. Garcia is demanding I strip so she can jog her memory from last night. I need to sober up and drive home.”

“How will we recover from this?” laughed JJ, “can any friendship survive this?”

“We’ve been through worse,” Spencer gave her a lopsided smile, “and families see each other at their worse and for the most part don’t judge.”

“The most part?” The three of them wandered back inside where Tara was trying to corral everyone into a game of cards.

“Still mad I’m not on your list of people you trust,” Spencer pulled the robe around him tighter, “that will take some time to forgive.”

“I’m also kind of pissed I was third,” Will grasped his chest in mock-anguish, “how will I go on?”

“I have all the time in the world to earn your forgiveness,” JJ smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> My first CM Bingo 2020 entry. This one is for the "team dinner" square!


End file.
